10) Contracts

I’m glad that J & A chose to go with NWSC.  I had them as my first agency and was nothing but happy.  They’ve made some improvements, including a more structured support system for surrogates, which I really appreciate, and hired additional staff.  Although there are some other great agencies in the Portland area, and throughout Oregon, I had no reason to go through another agency.  It’s nice to be working with the same people I did before and I like that I am familiar with them all.

If the matching process is done correctly, then the draft contract should not require too much alteration.  IPs start the process, working with their lawyer to go through the contract line by line to make any suggestions.  Then I’ll meet with my lawyer to go through their red-lined version, making my own suggestions and agreeing with or altering theirs.  Ideally this process takes no more than four weeks; realistically, because people have lives and lawyers have more than one client, it’s more like six to eight. 

NWSC sends out a pretty generic draft contract, with the main points we’ve discussed included and altered, including number of embryos to transfer, termination, verification of SPAR participation, travel restrictions, social media, insurance, and of course compensation. 

J & A requested a couple changes, including a clarified stance on social media.  It’s common to have a social media clause in contracts, stating that both parties will provide written consent prior to identifying each other on social media.  Some are more strict, stating that one or the other party will make no reference to the journey at all on social media.  Surrogacy is a very personal issue, and one which the person involved should have control over sharing.  I remember when a friend of mine posted on Facebook that she was going to be an aunt again, before the mom publicly posted her pregnancy.  And although she didn’t name any names, it wasn’t too hard to figure out who was having baby number two, and she was pissed.  Surrogacy, I think, is even more personal than a traditional pregnancy, and many intended parents choose to keep it on the downlow until pretty far into the pregnancy.  It’s an amazing time for them, but you’d be surprised at how much crap people feel is okay to say out loud to people regarding their reproductive choices, in addition to surrogacy journeys not always going as planned.  Because I am writing a blog about this, and especially because of the stigma around HIV status (here’s a great piece on the topic), J & A added an additional paragraph regarding social media. 

They also added a pretty standard clause for IPs to insert: additional life insurance with benefits going to them.  The thought there is that if something were to happen to both the baby and the surrogate, the IPs would be able to recoup some of their losses.  It sounds a bit morbid and crude, but definitely makes sense.  Although pregnancy related deaths are relatively low in the US, about 600 per year, it’s wise to be cautious.  In my contracts I have requested an additional amount of life insurance, on top of what I already have for myself, to be paid by my IPs.   The likelihood of us needing that is low, about, but I’m a fan of insurance and prefer to err on the side of caution.  Should something happen to me, the last thing I want my husband and kids to worry about is how they’re going to pay the bills. 

 

Filling out life insurance paperwork is tedious.
Nothing less than Stumptown will make it bearable.

Most of the changes I’ve requested for the contract are around compensation.  I strongly believe in being compensated for the appropriate aspect of the journey.  The base compensation has gone up since my first journey, and as an experienced surrogate, it’s even a more.  Honestly, I feel like it’s a little too much, so I’ve reduced the base comp. I have, however raised some of the incidental fees, including the med start fee, cesarean section fee, and the monthly compensation. 

Med Start Fee:  The IVF meds were easily the worst part of the whole experience last time.  For the beginning you’re required to take the birth control pill, which turns me into a crazed irritable lunatic.  Luckily the other meds didn’t effect me that way, but regardless shots are not fun.  Nightly routines had to be altered to ensure my husband and I were both home around 7 every night.  Yes, there are surrogates more awesome than me who give themselves the shots, carrying them around in their purse to be able to stab themselves in the ass in the back stall of a Red Robin bathroom.  Sorry, not me.  I can barely steady myself to pull a sliver out of my foot, let alone stick a three-inch needle into my  backside.  Although the lurpon shots into the tummy aren’t bad, and my middle child who wants to be a doctor enjoys helping with them, the progesterone in oil is atrocious.  It’s nice and thick, and goes into your muscle, often times causing golfball sized knots.  And last time we hit a nerve somewhere and my lower back was numb for about six months.  All of this, however, is better than the vaginal suppositories of progesterone, which I feel like only half of is absorbed into the body while the other half leaks out and ruins your underwear (lesson learned: invest in pantyliners and granny panties).  During all this time, intercourse is off the table, so you have to resort to other means of intimacy.  But even my husband, who still has the libido of a sixteen year old, avoided me like the plague while I was taking those because the smell is disgusting and the taste is even worse. 

 

IVF Meds

Cesarean Section Fee: Although we’re strongly hoping for a VBAC, as there is absolutely no reason for me not to deliver a singleton via unmedicated vaginal birth, shit happens.  With my own three children, I was up and moving around the same day as delivery.  I went to Target with each of my children when they were five days old.  I went to my grandmother-in-law’s 80^th birthday party when my first was only  a week.  I had no problem showering myself, going to the bathroom myself, cleaning my own house, making my own dinner.  Aside from sleep deprivation, it was as if nothing had happened.  Fast forward to the twins’ c-section.  Most Painful Recovery Ever.  For two days I laid in the hospital unable to move on my own.  A nurse gave me a sponge bath, not only because I was dirty and smelly, but because of the anesthesia (which I have NEVER had any of before), I was so incredibly itchy but couldn’t move enough to even scratch where I could reach, let alone my back.  At my two-week check up I begged my doctor to let me go back to work, at least part time.  She refused.  A week later I knew why.  I’d get to feeling good and do something like sweep the floor, then thirty minutes later the pain set in and I had to take a nap.  I’d rather be pregnant for an additional month than experience the recovery of another c-section again. 

Monthly Stipend: The monthly stipend is to cover any incidental costs, including things like missed work, parking, and gas for routine appointments, and the additional ice cream required to maintain sanity.  Last time when I had to take half a day off for a doctor’s appointment, my lost income was more than half of my monthly comp.  Because I have three children and a steady job, I feel like the monthly incidentals are a little more for me.  I spent about a month of the first trimester so tired that I went to work, came home and took a nap while my children watched TV, got up to eat, then went to bed with my kids.  Most nights we ate pre-made dinners from Costco or take-out.  While delicious, this gets expensive for a family of five.  Had I made it past 32 weeks with the twins, I imagine it would have been similar during the last month of that pregnancy.

Maternity Clothing Allowance: In this contract I actually reduced the maternity clothing allowance.  Again, I believe the compensation should be used for the appropriate aspect.  After my third was born, I knew I was done with kids and in a fit of “Good God, I am never doing that again!” I gave away all my maternity clothes.  Which means last time I used pretty much my entire clothing comp, and then some, on clothes and slide on shoes (because when you’re six months pregnant with twins your ability to bend over to tie your shoes is nil).  While I’m sure I could easily spend the whole allowance on clothes—shopping has never been a problem for me—because this will be my last pregnancy I don’t plan on buying more than just a few key pieces, and it seems irresponsible to ask J & A to buy me clothes just for the hell of it. 

Last surrogacy I splurged on some Birkenstocks.
Comfortable slip on shoes are a necessity in a summer pregnancy.

Which brings up an interesting point about surrogacy contracts: it’s a curious combination of “Oh, this will save them $75 dollars—do it!!” and “When you’re spending $100,000 to have a baby, what’s $800 more?”  Although I feel very strongly about being compensated for my time, energy and stress, and any monetary losses I may have—including time off work, and purchases made—it’s heartbreaking to see how much IPs pay to be able to have a baby and my intent has never been to make it more than absolutely necessary, at least in my category.  If I can save them $250 by not buying as many maternity clothes, I’ll do it.  But at the same time, I have to ensure that my health and the wellbeing of my family are taken care of throughout this journey as well. 

In addition to those few monetary changes, I also added language around the insurance for HIV provisions—in case I was the FIRST PERSON EVER to contract HIV through this process.  There’s not a single part of me that thinks that will happen, but regardless I am a “Hope for the best, plan for the worst” kinda person.  And it makes my husband feel better about the whole thing.  I also added coverage of copays for alternative care like acupuncture, chiropractic, and massage (fifth pregnancy, sixth baby, makes for some seriously stretched out hips), and asked to extend the travel restrictions an extra two weeks.  And I extended the period of time that IPs cover medical coverage from the standard eight weeks to sixteen weeks.   Although the standard check-up appointment is six weeks post-delivery, it’s common for there to be effects and complications long after that.  After the twins were born, everything was all good at that first check up.  Fastforward to my first period and I thought I was going to bleed to death.  Even with three natural deliveries under my belt, I have NEVER had that heavy of a period, which happened again the next month.  In addition to all the blood, I passed a tampon-sized super disgusting fleshy…thing…and was certain my uterus was imploding and expelling itself out of my cervix.  Along with all this, my hormones were out of control, I was on the verge of divorcing my husband, and my children thought I had become Mommie Dearest.  Three vitamins, cancel the birth control pill, two blood draws, and one ultrasound later I balanced out.  But only after I paid my $500 deductible and 20% copay out of pocket. 

Because we had talked about most of these things beforehand, at least in generalities, the process went quick and we agreed on everything.  Having those tough conversations early on is important, and is mentioning basic compensation changes you might request.  Lawyers are expensive and there's no need to go back and forth if you could have decided some things earlier.  And, a lot of surrogates and IPs get emotionally attached even before the contracts, so it's hard when things fall apart during that time.  From first read to signatures, we were able to complete in a little over five weeks.  Now we're officially ready to move forward and start the baby making.  Finally!!