12) Compensation

It’s been a conversation in the works for quite some time, one that maybe doesn’t make a lot of sense, but that to me had to be done.  I am not in this for the money.  I am not in this for the praise—although I will gladly accept both.  I am in this for the experience and for the outcome—both of which fill my heart with an indescribable joy.  Although I had mentioned this before, when I brought it up in a scheduled conversation, J’s response, in a confused and almost annoyed voice, was “But…why?”

My desire to reduce my base compensation stems from two reasons. The first is that the expenses of the particular journey have already increased more than we anticipated, and it breaks my heart to see my IFs (or any, really) have this added financial burden, a burden that is added only because they are choosing to continue to work with me.  Three things have increased the overall cost through working with me: travel expenses to and from Portland as I do not live within 50 miles of the clinic; an abnormality in my uterus that had to be resolved prior to moving forward; and a possibility of my insurance not covering the surrogacy medical expenses.  I understand that there is always a possibility of unexpected expenses, and that this is something that IPs must factor in when planning their journey.  J & A knew I didn’t live in Portland and would have to travel there periodically.  And they’re probably smart enough to have done the math correctly to estimate how much each trip would cost—as opposed to me who did the math for the drive up to Portland, but not back, so that when I got the first travel expense check I thought they had made an error and paid me way too much.  When we realized that there were complications with my new insurance policy and that I would have to have a fairly expensive surgical procedure to be able to move forward, we paused for a few days for them to really decide if they wanted to move forward with me.  Of course, as I told them, I would cry if they decided not to, but at the same time I would completely understand.  The process is challenging and expensive enough without these added expenditures, expenditures that are present only because of their surrogate and no other reason.  I understand I’m not obligated to reduce my compensation based on these added pieces, but a large portion of my desire to be a surrogate again has more to do with working with J & A than just being a surrogate, and I’m willing to take a cut, if you will, in order to maintain that.

(*Disclaimer: that does not mean that I expect them to have some sort of added duty to stick with me and if there were yet another complication down the road this should not be a factor in their decision to work with me or not.  The goal of this is for them to make a family and if I am not the person who can make that happen they should not continue with me out of a false sense of responsibility or fear of hurting my feelings.  I have three children and teach special education at an alternative high school—my feelings are not easily hurt).

Shortly after I had my surgery, a potential IF in one of the online groups I’m a part of asked a question about average surrogate compensation in California.  IPs stated they had paid anywhere from 20 to 40 thousand dollars.  The high end of that scale seems to me almost unreasonable.  Base compensation through my agency has increased by $9,000 from the time I signed for my first surrogacy to the time I signed for my second.  That is a 42% increase, which does not include the additional base compensation granted to experienced surrogates, bringing it to a total 66% increase for a singleton (I did not factor in the additional compensation for a twins in my first surrogacy, an increase in compensation that is absolutely reasonable).  If this were a job, you would expect to see an increase over time for cost of living, or a change in the job description that required more work.  However, the base compensation for a surrogacy is pain and suffering.  Has the pain and suffering of enduring a pregnancy increased 66% from when I was pregnant in 2015?  Perhaps somewhat, as anyone who has experienced more than one pregnancy will likely attest to an increase level of discomfort and any doctor will tell you that the risks and complications increase with each pregnancy and recovery is a little more difficult as your uterus expands repeatedly.  But short of some major complication, I can’t imagine my own pain and suffering will close to double next time around.  I assume, without having done much research, that part of reasoning for the increase is to attract potential surrogates.  The average waiting time for a surrogate is approximately six months, with far more IPs signing up with agencies than eligible surrogates to carry for them.  I understand this concept, and I understand that the incentive has to be enough to warrant taking on the challenge and the risk.  Admittedly, when I was trying to convince my husband to agree to a second journey, I brought up the increased compensation and it was a factor in him agreeing.  But when broken down, it just feels too high to me for what it’s actually for. 

In our original contract, I reduced the base compensation a little in order to increase the compensation in some other areas.  I didn’t want my IFs to have expected costs that exceeded what the agency outlines, but I feel very strongly about being compensated appropriately for the corresponding item or activity.  From my previous journey I knew there were some things I felt warranted more compensation—monthly miscellaneous allowance, med start fee, transfer fee, and C-section fee among them.  This goes both ways, and there were some things I think didn’t need as much.  On more than one occasion I’ve seen posts in different groups of surrogates asking where is the best place to buy cheap maternity clothes.  “I just can’t justify spending a lot of money on clothes I’ll only wear for a couple months,” they say.  That is all fine and good, and if you want to sport $50 worth of Goodwill maternity finds throughout your pregnancy, great.  But I most certainly hope that you didn’t get the average $500 maternity clothing allowance if that’s the case.  Yes, in the grand scheme of the cost of an average surrogacy, $500 isn’t much.  But it is a week’s worth of IVF meds, or the deductible on your insurance plan, or lost wages for the embryo transfer.  Many IPs have saved and planned for years to make this dream a reality and casually dismissing this is disrespectful to their journey.  While it’s nice to just have an amount and not have to submit receipts for everything, to the best of my ability, the compensation or reimbursement I receive for a particular item goes toward that specific item.

Likewise, it’s equally important for surrogates to advocate for the expenses they incur.  The first time I got the travel expense check for a trip to Portland, I was shocked at the amount.  It doesn’t cost that much to drive up and back to Portland!  But then I heard about my youngest crying at night because I was gone, and my “service due now” light came during my second trip home—a month before I anticipated—and I thought about the wear and tear on my car and time it takes out of my schedule to get it done, and I didn’t feel so bad about getting that check.  Even though I have to use my sick days from work before taking unpaid leave, I still requested lost wages for the day and a half I had to miss for surgery.  Because with three small children and a husband who owns his own business and thus doesn’t have such benefits, those sick days are golden and will be needed when the stomach flu hits our house.  And then, if I’ve used them all for the surrogacy, I’ve got a little cushion when I take a hit in my paycheck.  Not to mention the fact that missing a day and a half of work for surgery means that I stay up until midnight writing IEPs the next day.  Surrogates are notorious for not requesting compensation to make up for expenses we incur.  I’ve heard countless times of surrogates explaining that they’re not “technically on bed rest” so it isn’t covered by contract, but that they’re too tired and sore to keep the house clean or cook dinner so they’re hiring a friend to come clean and eating take out four times a week. A good friend of mine lost her job due to her surrogate pregnancy.  It took weeks of me and others convincing her to ask for lost wages, and even then she only received a portion and ended up using her base comp to make it through until she found a new job.  This is entirely unfair to her, but a story that is familiar to a lot of surrogates.  We know how much our IPs are paying for this journey and don’t want to intentionally do anything to increase that.   However, even so, it is unfair to ask the surrogate to pay for any pregnancy-related expenses, and most IPs I know would agree.  As I fairly often respond to my surrogate friends “your health, comfort, and low stress keep the baby safe and healthy.  The cost of a weekly housecleaner is a lot less than the cost of a NICU bill because you worked too hard and went into early labor.”  But still, we hate to ask. 

Another reason for being very clear on expenses for each aspect is that you never know how a journey will unfold.  I know women who started the journey—went through the time-consuming and difficult process of medical clearance, contracts, and IVF meds—yet had unsuccessful embryo transfers.  Many of them have felt as though they spent a year or more of their life working on something and were not adequately compensated for their time. We all go into this thinking long-term and that the journey will result with a child.  Unfortunately, that is not always how it ends.  I by no means want to undermine the challenge and heartbreak that this is for IPs, but it is important to remember, once again, that compensation is not for the end result of a child but for the pain and suffering that surrogates endure along the way—pain and suffering that can happen with or without the birth of a child.  It is imperative for the ethics of surrogacy and the clarity of the contract that this is represented in the beginning stages of the journey as much as the end. 

So the question then arises, How you do determine fair “pain and suffering” for experiencing IVF and pregnancy?  I can’t even imagine how to calculate this.  For me, the pain and suffering has always included my family as well—the pain and suffering of my three children and husband.  Does this mean I should receive more compensation than the surrogate who only has one child or is single?  Or maybe the pain and suffering of a single mother surrogate is more because she doesn’t have a husband to pick up the slack when she’s too tired to anything?  What about calculation of pain of previous pregnancy?  Should I ask for more because I had terrible “morning” sickness until week 13 with all my pregnancies?  Or maybe less because I never experienced gestational diabetes or other major complications?  While I most certainly do not think that there is some sort of magical mathematical formula to determine this—some sort of age-number and age of children-marital status-previous pregnancy history quadratic equation—I do think it is reasonable for surrogates to stop and consider if the proposed base compensation is too high or too low to be fairly representative of the pain and suffering she anticipates she and her family will endure.  Additionally, when considering this, I think it is fair and reasonable to consider factors relevant to each surrogate—location, job, children, spouse, previous pregnancies—and how that might impact the total cost and if you are going to truly ask for reimbursement or compensation in each area, or if you consider the base and monthly miscellaneous fee to cover those things. 

I put a lot more thought into my current contract and compensation outline than I did with my first journey, partially because I have a better understanding of what it entails and partially because I have become much more involved in the ethics of surrogacy.   Now, I am in no way advocating that all agencies need to lower their base compensation, or that all surrogates should accept less than is offered.  This is an individual decision, but one that I truly think needs to be taken with thoughtful consideration for each individual woman.   There is an argument for having a higher base compensation and not asking for extras in other areas, but it’s not an argument I agree with.  For me, the compensation did not fairly represent the pain and suffering associated with the process, and I was not comfortable accepting that amount.  I felt this way from the beginning, but even more so when taking into consideration the additional expenses incurred and the fact that they continued with me despite—which gave me an easy excuse to get into our contract and drop the base comp.  Could I use an additional $5,000?  Absolutely!  I’ve got a stack of credit card debt and medical bills from my daughters, a trip to Disneyland I desperately want to treat my family to, and a house we’d love to finally buy.  But it is not the responsibility of J & A to pay for those things.  It is their responsibility to compensate me for the trouble of a pregnancy—a pregnancy I’m excited to be a part of through a process I’m passionate about, but not one that I anticipate will be 66% more difficult than the last four.