Prior to publicly posting the blog, I talked to all of my
close friends and family. Many of them
already knew I was planning on a second surrogacy, but not the details. On one hand, it’s really none of their
business what I choose to do with my time and family, and it’s certainly not
like they were going to convince me otherwise.
On the other hand, I felt it was important to tell them personally
before they heard it from someone else.
I have a shirt from HRC that reads “Legalize Gay.” I don’t wear it often because of the feeling
I have when I do. I’m self conscious
enough as it is—genuinely thinking that overall I’m a pretty awesome person
while at the same time consistently believing that the majority of people don’t
agree. Whenever I wear that shirt though,
I feel like people are judging me even more.
Maybe they assume I’m gay. Maybe
they assume I’m a gay-lover. Maybe they
assume I’m going to hell. Of course, I’m
not gay, I am a gay-lover, and it’s up to no human being where I end up for all
of eternity after I die. For the most
part, I couldn’t care less what people think about me. But still, I hate the feeling of being judged
and am thus uncomfortable every time I wear that shirt.
Take that feeling and multiple it by one thousand and maybe
I can relate just a tiny bit to how my gay friends feel every day of their
lives. Regardless of how much they don’t
care about others’ opinions, having the feeling of judgment all the time. The same, I imagine, is true of someone
infected with HIV—a consistent sense of judgment from everyone who finds out.
But of course, as a straight white woman, what do I know?
Looking back at out when I first reached out to J & A, I
can see why it took so long for them to respond. First of all, engaging in the surrogacy
process is no joke. It is a serious
commitment from all sides, and even when you’ve decided that you want to pursue
it, it takes time to process what that means and what the steps are to make it
happen, and then to actually begin on each of those steps. I knew that.
And I knew I reached out to them quite a bit before they were actually
ready and would have started pursuing surrogacy, which has resulted in a slower
than average process. As much as I’m
anxious to just get started (because who doesn’t want to start sticking
themselves with needles, injecting all sorts of hormones into their system, and
then become pregnant and once again start her mornings by throwing up?), I can
be patient and was expecting for it to move at a leisurely pace.
Now add in the aspect of being HIV positive. We talked for quite a long time before J
brought that up. I imagine they were
feeling out the situation, trying to get an idea of if I would be receptive to
working with them, and if not what my reaction might be otherwise. Had they gone directly through an agency, the
agency would have that uncomfortable conversation for them. When considering matching, the agency would
do their best to find a potential surrogate whom they thought would be open to
the idea, often someone who works in a profession that would lend itself to the
idea, perhaps someone in the medical community who would have an easier time
understanding and being comfortable with the science behind the process, or say
special education who is used to working with different populations and researching
individual circumstances and needs.
If they thought I was that person, my coordinator would have
called me to tell me she had a couple in mind that she thought I’d work well
with and she’d tell me all the amazing and wonderful things about them and I’d see
pictures of their ever-so-handsome selves and read their compelling profile and
start to fall in love with them. Then
she’d say, now that you know how great they are, are you willing to work with a
couple where one of the guys is HIV-positive? And I’d say, well, I just don’t know. She might be able to convince me to consider
it, and if so, she’d arrange a phone conference with the doctor at the SPAR
program. Regardless, I’d respond that
they sound great, but it’s just really too much of a risk for me to take. I have a husband and three kids and I just
can’t put my family through that kind of additional stress and worry and take
the very very very slight chance that I might contract it. At least that ‘s how about half of the women whom
agencies approach generally responded. By
having met and discussed a match prior, J & A had the chance to feel me out
first, and they had the advantage of my already deciding that I really really
liked them before telling me about their specific circumstance.
Having been through a surrogacy before, I’m experienced with
the responses, and am thankful to say that the majority of people I know
responded positively. I wasn’t sure,
however, how those same people would feel with this new added element. And more, so, I wasn’t sure how their own
friends would react, friends who would doubtless find out about it and subsequently
feel compelled to voice their opinions about how I choose to live my ife. I wanted my close friends and family to be
prepared.
One person in particular I wanted to talk to was my
dad. I was fairly certain that my mom
had already told to him about it. Like
me with Evan, secrets don’t last long between those two—perhaps one of many
reasons they’ve been married for over fifty years. I gave him a call and, after our usual
catch-up on how school’s going, I told him that I was going to be doing another
surrogacy journey and that one of the guys was HIV-positive. “Yeah, I heard that,” he replied.
“Well, I just wanted you to know. I know how people talk and I wanted you to be
aware before.”
“You know I don’t usually pay very much attention when
people talk.”
“Yes, I’m aware.”
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| My dad and me, circa 1987 |
I have inherited the “I don’t give a flip what people think
about what I do” gene from my father, along with a large majority of my other
personality traits. I love my mom and
she is my go-to support person. But my
dad is whom I have shaped my life after.
My religious, social, and political foundations are rooted in what I’ve
been taught by my dad. I went into
education because of my dad. And on the
days (weeks...months…) it’s just too much and I want to quit, I think about his
perseverance in the field and I keep going.
I worry about what he’ll think about my actions—one of only a handful of
people whose response I do actually care about—and I strive to make him
proud. I was worried less about him
having a negative perception of the action itself, and more about his reaction
to his daughter’s safety. On my first
surrogacy journey, my dad and I had numerous long talks about the process,
particularly in regards to the legal precautions and my own protections. He might come off as stern and grouchy, a bit
of an ass (okay, not might—he definitely always gives that first impression),
but he’s my dad and like any dad he worries about his children’s
wellbeing. Especially his favorite
youngest daughter. Thankfully, as I
expected he would be, he was completely supportive.
Like my husband was, and like they all were about my first
surrogacy, I had incredibly positive feedback from almost everyone I spoke
with. I had already talked with my mom,
and she was fine. I called my sisters
and let them know. They were supportive
but had lots of questions. I texted my
best friend, my sister-in-law, and my niece.
The exception to all of this was, as anticipated, my
mother-in-law. I love Sandy dearly, and
when it comes to in-laws, I basically won the jackpot with Evan’s parents and
sister. But Sandy is a worrywart, and
has a tendency to hone in on the most negative aspect of any situation. In some regards this is a good quality—it’s
important to look at all aspects of things, and occasionally us optimists like
to just gloss over those parts. But often it’s a hindrance. I gave her the facts, once again stating that
this particular clinic has provided the service to over 173 surrogates, all of
who remained uninfected and who bore uninfected babies. That there are over 4,000 cases of HIV-positive
males contributing to third-party reproduction through one way or another and
all of those have had the same uneventful results. Etc, etc, etc. “I don’t know, Michelle,” she said. “That’s scary. That really scares me.” She was hesitant and anxious through all of
my first surrogacy, and this merely adds another layer of complication and
concern for her. Hopefully reading this
and my continued teaching on the subject will put her mind at ease. But I doubt it.
One last person to explain all of this to was my son. My son is nine, and quite simply an amazing
child. He is smart and funny and so
incredibly thoughtful and caring. He
loves to learn and wants to be a geologist and a judge and maybe the president when
he grows up. And I’ve no doubt that he will be absolutely fantastic at all of
those things. But he has his dad’s
anxiety and I wanted to be the one to explain everything and put his mind to
ease. We sat down and started talking
about my upcoming surrogacy, of which he was already aware of, and more about J
& A. After my basic explanation of
HIV/AIDS—what it is and how it’s transferred—Clem remembered that he had read
about the immune system and T-cells and white blood cells in his biology and
anatomy book.
So this happened.
 |
| Clem, reading up on viruses and white blood cells |
When we finished our conversation, Clem pulled out his
biology book and reread those sections, then got out his anatomy book and
looked at pictures of the immune system.
This right here. This
is a huge reason for my deciding to do this particular journey. My son is engaged in learning more about the
human body, viruses, and HIV/AIDS, with genuine interest and buy-in. His understanding of it is increased as he
can make real-world connections to what he’s reading. When my son learns this in his health class,
he’ll be able to say to his friends—some of whom will likely make uninformed
and possibly hurtful comments about the HIV-positive community—“I have a friend
with HIV; let me explain.” Through this
journey, even more so than our first, my son—and my two daughters—are learning
about empathy. About researching and
fully understanding a topic before you make assumptions about it. About giving back to humanity in whatever
ways your talents allow. While I am
honored to hopefully be able to give the gift of family to J & A, I’m
equally honored to be teaching these values to my own children along the way.
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